The Goods
Each of these goods has been blessed by a mighty shaman (no, you cannot have proof of this)
You're visiting Times Square when a man approaches you. "You talkin' to me?" he says. You were not, in fact, talking to him.
You're 12 and scared to ride the Steel Force rollercoaster. That's okay. We can make you feel safe.
You're on Shark Tank and get nervous and make a terrible pitch. We invest in you anyway.
We're at a music festival when Imagine Dragons comes on for a surprise set. "You're my best friend", you whisper in my ear as we rush the stage.
"I'm going to beat you to death with this mace" he tells you. Scared, you look to me for salvation, but it's too late. He has already beaten you to death the mace.
We go to your cousin's graduation party. It's lit.
We're on our way back home after taking a spur-of-the-moment vacation to Jacksonville.
We're at the Drake concert together. There's a 45 minute wait between the opener and Drake. Finally, Drake comes on stage. "There he is", you mutter.
We share a beat after witnessing the horrors of trench warfare together.
this is just an unedited picture of my mom.
We roadtrip to Omaha, NE to go watch your nephew play in a little league baseball game. On our way we stop at a nice little corn maze.
I've shrunken you down to the size of a small mouse so that you can never leave me. You may try to leave me, but if you do, the consequences will be dire.
"Take a picture of me on this rock...it's gonna look sick"
You ride the Dollyood Thunderhead alone and hit a near perfect air guitar for the on-ride camera...you happily pay $29.99 for the photo.
POV: you're the last cigarette at a construction site in North Philly.
We're at an office happy hour together. I'm nervous because I have a crush on the new intern. I'm 56 and she's 24. You give me the confidence to make a move.
You've had a mental break and set fire to an orphanage. I understand and forgive you.
You've just entered into my dojo. That's okay...I'll go easy on you.
You've just landed the biggest fish I've ever seen. "Woah," I say as you wrestle the beast on board. You let out a guttural, primal scream in victory
You've just absolutely throttled me in a game of P.I.G.
You ask me to watch your dog for the weekend. I oblige. We go to Sea World together. It's our little secret.